By Sarah Green, School Counselor
How do we love well? What a big question, right? Assuredly one worth asking. Consider who you love, and evaluate your own heart. What assumptions do you have? What skills do you need to grow? How can you better communicate?
I propose that it is much easier to tell when we are not loving others well than when we are. It can feel tense, confusing, hurtful or distant. Sometimes we ask ourselves, ‘how did we get here?’ On the other side, when our relationships are at peace and solid it can be easy to stop having as much intention with our words and actions. This can be a marriage, parent child relationship or friendship. These truths span across all close relationships. There are different nuances, of course, but the action steps toward loving well are the same.
In my work as a school counselor at St Raphael Counseling, I work with a variety of these kinds of relationships, especially between parents and children. It is a joy, and a challenge, to see how these relationships, much like any other, change over time based on life experiences and maturity.
Safety is foundational and perhaps overlooked in terms of establishing solid relationships. When we don’t feel safe in a relationship we are unable to be our authentic selves, and thus we pull back and at times can feel anxiety or loneliness. Most people do not want those they love to feel those negative emotions, yet don’t fully understand how much their responses contribute. Knowing this. we can strive to help those we love to feel safe in our presence and safe in our care for them. This is truly a gift we can give them: a self-less love modeled by Christ.
When a person is seen, listened to and given space to be right where they are without judgment you can see a visible weight lifted. A child who runs to the parent to show an accomplishment is needing the same as a spouse seeking the other when struggling. Look at the other person, remove distraction and prioritize them. Try to see the light of who God made them to be and make time to listen. We are designed for relationships, and in counseling we often see the negative impact of poor relationships on the mental health of the people we serve. To mirror the Holy Trinity, in love and unity. People blossom and shine when they are given grace, value and acceptance.
Practice listening to understand rather than just simply respond- sometimes we don’t need anyone to solve our problems but we just need to be heard. Let the person talk till they are finished and ask follow up questions to be sure you can get as full a story as possible. Listening to another person does not automatically equate to you agreeing with what they are saying. Parents can struggle with this when they feel like letting their child vent allows them to skirt around the boundary or discipline. In fact, when something is hard for our kids, especially something we have set up, we can help them navigate the difficult by allowing safety for feelings.
When it is time to respond, it matters just as much how you say something as what you are saying. We get in our own way sometimes. Our feelings are triggered, our desires or annoyances feel like the priority. Shame and blame will never produce the fruit we hope for. In terms of communication, each person has equal dignity and each person deserves to be heard. There is a time for both, and it takes practice to know when it is time to respond and when to wait. Ask for God’s discernment and start to observe different interactions where you are in control of yourself or acting more from passions and feelings.
In a family each response to our loved ones in their vulnerability will influence future choices they make to come to us or not. I pray for my kids to seek me in times of trouble as they grow and into adulthood. I hope for my spouse to seek comfort in me, my support, and love for him. I need to be available and that takes effort. I pray that my clients will learn from our sessions and take with them skills that can help them receive the healing that they sought from counseling. At times these goals can be daunting, but God’s promised good comes from hard. Good comes from suffering, and good comes from service to others. The more time we spend with the Lord, the more the Holy Spirit can help us cultivate these skills. Our relationships will become more radiant and will produce visible fruits. The best prayer to start with is “change my heart, Lord. Help me to love well.” Lay your shortcomings at the cross, and Christ’s love will begin to show you how to truly love well.
Sarah Green, LPC, is a school counselor with St Raphael Counseling. She is passionate about children, parenting, and helping families come together in all aspects of life. Her focus is on empowering any person to take the lead in their mental health journey using practical skills like coping, problem-solving, family support, prayer and other spiritual practices.